Happy Halloween?

I used to love Halloween. When I was a kid, I loved the fact that we always got popcorn balls from Mrs. McKnight at the house on the corner. They were home made, but it was safe to eat things like that back then. I loved acting like the bruised banana we got from the Garcias was just what I wanted even though I never liked bananas. I knew they didn't have much money and Mr. Garcia worked for a produce company.

When I was older, I always spent way too much money on Halloween costumes in order to stand out at the round of parties I attended.

As a mom, I think I spent well over a month planning my daughters' costumes. I usually made them and loved seeing how my hard work paid off when my daughters put them on and looked so cute. I tried to create current characters for whom costumes had not been created (Jem, Strawberry Shortcake, Carebears). If that wasn't possible, I tried to be unique (Winter and Spring).

Halloween of 1992 changed the way I felt about Halloween forever. On the early afternoon of October 30th my family made the decision to remove my father from life support. Four days earlier you would not have known he was ill. But he had a malignant brain tumor and never woke after surgery. I have never been able to accept death easily. No matter what doctors say, I always hold out hope for a miracle. Even though if the decision had been left up to me I would never have agreed to remove the machines, I knew he was not going to recover. I also knew that he would hate to live life that held no quality. My prayer as I stood by my beloved father's bed that day was that God would take him quickly once the machines were turned off and that he would not be in pain. As the day worn on and he hung on I began to realize that Halloween was approaching and I couldn't imagine a worse day to die on. I pleaded with God to take him before midnight. When that didn't happen, I pleaded to give him one more day. One hour and 13 minutes into Halloween, my father slipped away.

I have had a lot of heartache in my life, maybe more than most. But I have never felt like God let me down until that moment. It was a long time before I forgave God, before I could find comfort in prayer. I know that God has a plan for all of us. I know that His wisdom should not be questioned. However, even after 16 years if I were given the chance to ask God one question, it would be, "Why could you not have taken him on another day?"

This year my precious granddaughter went trick or treating for the first time. Her mother bought her costume more than a month ago and had practice runs in it. She reminded me of myself when she was young. Maybe seeing Alivia walk out the gate looking like the cutest little lady bug took a little of the edge off the pain, but I don't think it will ever be "Happy Halloween" again. I miss you Daddy and I look forward to the day that we are reunited.